It's Fathers Day

So it’s Father’s Day, and this one probably will be the shortest blog entry so far for the holiday. My Dad died in late 2024, and while I did grieve finally (oddly enough, it happened during the swearing in of you know who), I had a double whammy of pain and suffering. After that? I don’t think or miss my Dad that much. He was a shit father at times, and frankly didn’t have an aura to really share things, because if you told him something, you’d get a fucking lecture about it in some way or another, so who wants to let their father know what is going on, if there’s always something “wrong” with you or something? My Dad served in Vietnam as a combat MP and had some scrapes. He then went into the Air Force Reserve as a commissioned officer. He didn’t do much, just a lot of stuff that the Air Force needed him to do. So more often than not, I didn’t ask, he didn’t tell. Nothing like Special Forces work, but I’m sure in his travels, he did. So he never decided to see a therapist, and if he did, he never said anything about it.

As the years went by, things were very odd for me. He was an asshole to me, and for some time, he shit on me on my birthdays and laughed about it. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive him for the humiliation I suffered when he was alive, but in a way, I probably should. The reason I am cool with people today is that back then, his attitude forced me to take responsibility for my actions, more than he probably did in his life. I see a lot of people post photos of their Dad, if deceased, and a friend who helps me with videos sent the possibly worst one ever, of my “Father” saying he was proud of me (He didn't know my situation, so he meant well, just bad timing I suppose, nothing against him). I don’t know if he was proud of me in some way, but the things I did as a kid and an adult, well… I can sorta understand why he didn’t have a high opinion about me. I guess I have to take that hit, so fair enough. But the rest? I don’t get why he was such an asshole to me. I guess he thought I didn’t understand the world enough to figure out basic things I’ve already done

We did have a few father-son moments, though, and that wasn’t enough for me to think of him as a Dad worthy of my love and attention. I feel better, though. The money that he saved did give me a windfall, so I’m not totally ungrateful. I don’t bite the hand that feeds me, so there’s that. But it makes me wonder yet again how he thought that was exceptional parenting. Constantly lecturing somebody doesn’t inspire confidence in approaching him, and frankly I kept to myself, I’m an introvert, I don’t always share what I’m doing, and being in the military, it was a good thing for people not to know what I was doing, when and where, only showing afterward what I did if I were to share my status of what is going on in my life. But I never felt the need to share with Dad, and he seemed not to really give a shit what I was doing in life; he never really asked. Though towards the end he did, and I did tell him, and didn’t get that many lectures, but he tried to get me to go to college again (I do have an Associate’s at least through the Army), and that was a point of contention, as while he did mean well, I didn’t feel I was ready for college again. And with my status in life, I don’t think it’s needed yet.

So that’s my Father’s Day epitaph of my Dad. Maybe you might say I viewed him wrong, but I know an asshole and shithead when I see one. Dad did his thing to protect us from the negative aspects of his military career, but overall, he still could have been a better parent, and in some way, was glad when he died, no lie. I’m sorry I don’t mourn him other than the grieving for that week. Call it cold and heartless, but at this point, I don’t give a shit what you might think. We had some good times, but not enough to change my opinion, and not sure if Dad wanted us to think of him in any way. I don’t have any photos of him, and frankly, never thought to get a photo of him, for reference at least. But how can you feel pride in your parents when they weren’t the greatest anyway?