I Made It

So today I am 50 years old. I don’t know if I felt like I would make it this far, but I did. My life has been a reflection of my weirdness and how I evolved into the person I am today. It started in Denver, Colorado, in the morning, if I remember, and I was born. A Bicentennial baby more or less in the scheme of things, and the celebrations that happened that I was unaware of back then, and so now as we celebrate the 250^th anniversary of the nation being created, I didn’t participate in the “festivities” (and frankly glad I didn’t, screw Trump) though, as I more or less wanted a clear conscience of my life.

Looking back at my life now… and I don’t know what to think of it really. I know I made it this far, and hopefully further in life. Maybe when I hit 60, I’ll do more of a reflection, or maybe next year, but I’m 50, getting older by the minute, hour, day, month, year. I don’t know what to think, but the picture of me when I was younger that my late Dad showed me opened my eyes. I was that person a long time ago, innocent and full of issues, and a family that had its issues all alone. I don’t recognize that kid, as it became me, and I felt disturbed that I looked like that, honestly, and what I became throughout the years after that picture was taken. I don’t feel I can relate to my own picture anymore, of the hell I’ve been through over the years, and the two mental health crises that I endured, which, while they made me weak, also made me stronger in life, so it wasn’t too bad, even though both incidents were a living hell.

I don’t think much of the wars I served in, Iraq and Afghanistan, though I honestly reminisce more about Afghanistan than Iraq. It was its own beast in that country versus Afghanistan, where I endured a long-distance relationship that I tried to work on and failed to keep. It was its own hell, and frankly, I was glad it was over with. I will probably think more on my past life today than most other days, as when I hit 40 it was like “Okay, what now?”, than knowing the direction I’m going in right now, which is forward as best as possible, despite the politics tryimg to “take us back” to a yesteryear that doesn’t exist in the lexicon of a society that admittedly has become whatever it is now, and hopefully in some way I hope sanity returns to it, but I doubt it. Life has gotten chaotic, and frankly, in this morass of America, it’s a wonder how I have been broken down by the events of this nation, and how we as a nation have somehow become lost, and everybody is trying to guide us to whatever is “best for the American public”.

But it’s not about America today, and it’s more about me, who, having served in the military, has given away his time, his own free time, and other things to keep and guide people, both my Soldiers, family, and friends that I met along this way of my life. I do want to thank people, both good and bad, for molding me into who I am today. I don’t look on the bad moments with pride, but I do look upon them as things I should never have done, but I did them, and that’s okay, it’s me. People see an Eric, or now Kim, as they do, and have their own views on what and who I should be, and frankly, want some time for once, since your birthday is about you, or me, on that special day. It’s a day to reflect as time passes on to say, “I made it this far, and I am glad”. I did have a suicidal episode, and frankly, I'm wary around knives, since I want to just slit my wrist and not use it for defense, or a tool to accomplish a task, not killing, but as said, for defense. I truly thought that time that I shouldn’t be part of the 22, but I can’t fathom the idea of giving up on life, because Fate determines when it’s my time to go, and I shouldn’t, nor anybody else, have the power to give up and end it all.

But as said, this is me. There are parts I don’t talk about, but beat around the bush about what has happened to me. I am a direct person, so I would tell you honestly what happened. I am somewhat transparent about my life unless it involves an NDA, which I learned my lesson with once.

But I could talk to you about everything that happened to me, and this blog isn’t the medium to discuss my life in full, you’ll have to maybe ask me, and depending on how I feel, I’ll tell. But not in a blog.

So it’s my day, let me have it to myself, and just enjoy myself and do things I want to do, just as I see your day as the same, a time to look back on your life at whatever point you’re at, and you can maybe say:

“I made it this far, look at me.”