Being Trans So Far

I came out as trans in 2015, right before I had a mental health crisis. Overall, the fact that I had a mental health crisis has really little bearing on my coming out as trans. I was vocal about it, and a gamer who was on my Steam friends list asked if I was gay. The exact words are “Are you fag?” And I ignored it, and kept having a mental health crisis. I know more now since my father passed, and I had the financial means to transition. Money is important for trans folks, as the surgeries that are upcoming do cost money. The E I take so far costs me with copay, a mere near four dollars for a month’s long supply at the current dosage. If you have a job, this is peanuts, but it means so much to those who transition. I decided to fully transition months ago, long before I got into trouble with the law. The time I spent in lockup showed some realities of being trans. Inmates assumed that automatically, you have a vagina for them to stick their precious little dick in.

It was an experience, and one I never forget, but have moved on from. So after that and so on, I had financial issues, and didn’t decide to transition, more concerned with a rapacious company that offered and sold a worthless website for way too much. I think I picked the wrong company, and realized that mistake, and to never repeat it when I spent thousands, and got little result for my money spent. Always something to spend money on, and so on, so I had to get rid of that, and did. Now that I’m more financially secure after my Dad’s death, I could focus on me for a change, and not making my disability check stretch, and ran low on money, my second time in my life where I was near broke. Thanks for my sister, who I paid back eventually, and that is that. I don’t need to ask her again, which is nice, but she was there for me when it counted. I will always thank her for her continued support, even as I transition.

Now the point of this is some self-discovery and realizations that I’ve experienced in the four months since I started the actual process, and not just wishing I were a woman. I am constantly bombarded by the right-wing (and some left-wing) rhetoric about trans people in general, and have to wonder what the issue is. Sure, I get it, you don’t like that a man can become a woman, or a woman can become a man. I don’t need to say everything, us trans folk have heard it all, and still hear it like some bad omen, that “God doesn’t support trans folk”, or LGBTQIA+ people in general. Well, if we’re God’s children, and he existed, and he had an issue, he would you know, magically appear and “fix” the situation, either to our support or detriment. Believing in fiction is the sign of true mental issues, where it’s okay to go to church, but it’s not good to hate. I can go on about this, but some will read and listen, some will blow it off.

What gets me is that somehow trans people are “invalidated” by becoming something “that they are not.” I mean, the tech exists, and transgender people have existed before it became an issue with culture war politics. It destroys families by the hate that people espouse, and doesn’t show much help for those who don’t take the time and effort to figure out what it’s all about. If you lift a finger and get educated about it, then good for you, but at least you’re well informed. Some people just tend to take the easy route and not make an effort to figure it out. My mother, who is a boomer, doesn’t make the effort to go on Google and Google stuff that she asks about. I, however, understand her situation, and then at least answer to the best of my knowledge to the question she asks. It’s what people should be doing: asking questions and finding out, then making a decision. She initially didn’t support my transition, but she still loved me. It was a contradiction that left me kinda uneasy. But she’s gradually accepting that it’s my body, my choice. I don’t like being a man, and prefer to be what was intended: A woman. Maybe late, and that’s fine, I feel better knowing what I should be, and what is right for me. It may not be the best choice, but I haven’t regretted it either.

But I also look at the ignorance that somehow a trans woman (or man) is “Better” than a cis woman, and therefore shouldn’t be in sports, despite studies showing that there is no benefit of transitioning that would give a trans woman or man an edge. I don’t see how remotely it’s believable when my own lack of exercise doesn’t make me really worth pursuing sports. And well, I’m near 50, and maybe my fat ass isn’t really required to play sports. Yet we have Riley Gaines, who lost to cis women, as well as Lia Thomas, a trans woman who placed first in swimming. I would see right-wing pages on how somebody who came in fifth place (other cis women may have bitched about losing in general, but didn’t overtly complain about Lia’s win) is somehow an expert on winning. If she came in second, I can kinda see the gripe. But fifth place? Girls get a grip on reality, and the right-wing crowd in their ignorance still crawls and supports her whining and moaning, like they support a pedophile in the White House.

Anyway, the salient point is that becoming trans isn’t losing your life, it’s readjusting and growing into something you’re meant to be; that’s what I’ve thought of and accept as I go on and take the E and morph into something better. I know I complained, but the Riley Gaines thing is just weak and worthless to discuss, but I can complain too; I have that right. But if you’re thinking of harming me, though, my transition doesn’t take away the killer instinct that I gained when I was cis in Iraq and Afghanistan. I will defend myself so you can die for this country, not me. That’s something you should also keep in mind. And for those who served and trans, their service isn’t degraded by a government that spurns service because they want to be who they are. I was accused one time of supporting the trans ban, even though I was kicked out for mental health reasons, not the recent trans ban. I may not share the same troubles that they go through, but being shit on by your unit, or government will never be a thing to forget, especially by those who dedicate their lives to supporting by enlisting, but got turned away because they wanted to be who they wanted to be.